MASSGOP HITS ROCK BOTTOM, FINDS ONLY $460.73 AND A WHOLE LOT OF EXCUSES ON OCPF

The Massachusetts Republican Party has achieved a new milestone in organizational excellence, setting an all-time record for financial drought: a glorious, historic $460.73 in cash on hand. Insiders say this number perfectly reflects the party’s vision, planning, and spiritual gift for turning political gold into dust. While some state parties measure success in seats won or money raised, the MassGOP has boldly chosen a different metric, striving for the lowest balance possible in modern political history.

Party activists joked that the committee’s financial report reads less like a campaign filing and more like the end of a yard sale hosted by someone who forgot to advertise. Yet supporters insist the leadership is not out of touch. On the contrary, they say the MassGOP remains fully committed to its longstanding tradition of internal warfare, circular firing squads like recent boot-out of John Milligan, and investigations that cost more than the cash currently in the bank.

Meanwhile, the New England Conservative Coalition, a PAC not even one year old, now has more than twice the cash of the state party. Coalition members say they are honored and slightly confused by how easy it was to surpass the MassGOP, noting that “all we had to do was exist.” Observers have begun referring to the Coalition as “the adults in the room,” though sources say the bar has never been lower.

Donors who abandoned the state committee cite a variety of reasons, including mismanagement, lack of direction, and what one former contributor described as “a level of dysfunction usually reserved for reality TV.” Others say the leadership treats the party less like a political institution and more like a family inheritance they’re determined to squander before the next holiday.

With its treasury nearly empty and its reputation running on fumes, the MassGOP insists it remains committed to “back to normal.” Critics, however, say the party has been “moving forward” the same way a car stuck in mud spins its wheels, except the mud is self-inflicted chaos and the engine ran out of gas three chairmen ago.

As the New England Conservative Coalition continues to grow, raise funds and spread it's influcence thought the Commonwealth of Massachusett and the rest of New England with canadates from all over th state reaching out for support they clearly won't get from Amy and the gang.